Posted by: Joe of St. Thérèse | November 29, 2008

The from HS to now Confessional My conversion story

This confessional begins in the way most others begin, reflecting back on life and not exactly at the moment of its happening. Unlike many confessionals, this one is going to be written in a sequential q and a format.

1. Why were you so quiet during 8th-9th grade?
A. Well, in October of my 8th grade year, I found out my mother was diagnosed with cancer. Me being at new school, and not knowing many people, and some friendships not being what they once were, I was in a situation where I couldn’t speak of any sufferings whatsoever. I felt at the time not saying anything was the best way to deal with the problems that I was facing. Saying things would only make them worse.

2. Why was your head always down during HS?
A. I lost my grandmother due to cancer. I also lost my aunt to suicide. I did not see much reason to have my head up otherwise. I was close to both of them, and it hurt me to go through that at this time. Even though I had faith at the time, it was not as strong at maybe it should have been at the time.

3, Why the hood during most times?
A. I liked it. Something was right about having it on most of the time.

4. Why were you so mean to some people?
A. As a way to defense myself against the pain that I was struggling with on the inside.

5. 11th grade seemed to be different and that’s because?
A. The two friends I considered to be the closest to me at that time were Megan and Helen. Megan was an inspiration to me academically, challenging me to be better than what I was doing. I could always count on her for conversation and a relatively short walk to her class for lunch. Being around Helen was my peace and sanctuary for the struggles that I was going through. I didn’t have to communicate with her, just being in her presence was that of comfort to me. Though on occasion I’d express things. Yes, Christina’s first CD got a lot of play time with me.

6. So, what did those walks between you and Helen mean after class?
A. Nothing, we were friends walking to class together, what’s wrong with that?

7. Everyone in the school knew you liked Helen, wtf took you so long to reveal it?
A. I didn’t want her to know…I valued her friendship and what our relationship was. I did not want to ruin it. I honestly have no idea how everyone knew. I said nothing, clued no one in on my secret at the time.

8. So it all went down hill?
A. Megan graduated in 2002, that did NOT help matters. I cared for her as a friend and knew that I was going to miss her. I took the time to write out what I thought as best as I could towards then. The challenge was no longer there :(. Of course at this time, I found out that my mom was going to die from cancer. I did not reveal this to anyone seeing as if I didn’t want anyone to suffer through what I was going through. Also I was struggling with the Helen situation and what to do. So many thoughts, so little time to digest them.

9. So, what happened between you and Helen?
A. Well, I couldn’t stomach the courage to ask her out personally. I was lost for words, and drained out from watching the deterioration of my mother on her deathbed, as well as coping with other family situations. So I thus wrote out my feelings in a letter. She then proceeded to write a letter that was down right hateful. (I’ve burned the letter). I thought the bridge could be repaired, but I thought wrong. The day after my mother died I came back to school, I really only wanted to talk to one person, she wasn’t there, or did she attempt to find me. I at that point felt betrayed, and went into a very long shell towards everyone. I felt ever since that letter that our friendship was a lie, that she didn’t even care for me one bit. It was hard enough for me to stare at her, let alone think of her, and even realize that she was in the same class. Things were never the same again.

10. Difficult to deal with death alone isn’t it?
A. Ya think? I’m 16 at the death of my mother….I had a few figures in my life that were helpful…Ms. M, Megs, Mrs. R, and Mr. B. It wasn’t a joke that my relations with adults were MUCH better than that with those of my peers (I was already younger than the majority). Evanescence’s Fallen CD got A LOT of play time on my cd player.

11. Why hide the feelings?
A. I did not want anyone to see me at my worst.

12. So, how the hell did you make it out of HS?
A. by the grace of God, period. I did on occasion have suicidal thoughts.

13. How was it to live in the world?
A. There was always something missing from everything that I did.

14. So, a protestant girl did what?
A: Well, there was a 7ths day Adventist girl, who was cute, and I wanted her number, so I listened to her. But once she started accusing Catholics of things, that I knew that were wrong, I had to go back and research the answers for myself. I was always stubborn and looked for the answers to questions myself. I felt forced by them to be baptized by them, so I did, but went for the confessional right after, knowing what I did wrong. I also went to another ecclesiastical community and found Catholic bashing, so I didn’t go back.

15. So you started going back to Mass?
A: Yes, on the Solemnity of Christ the King….marks the 4 year anniversary of my reversion. I had met a girl named Stephanie, (who I knew from middle school) who was the g/f of a friend of mine Jason, who knew another guy John, who knew another guy Eric, lol.

16. Now what?
A: Well, I started to look for a youth group and found one. I was at old parish at this time. I met a wonderful YM named Katie. She did her best to make me feel welcome. I started to really research on my Faith during this time and just absorbed like a sponge finding out where all is in the Bible, what Catholicism actually teaches. And finding about about Vatican II, and what happened. I was also the president of a Catholic Ministry at the time, so I was spending my time learning about the Truth and teaching the Truth. I learned much about Liturgical Abuses, and about the Ars Celebrandi at the time as well.

17. So you learned about Tradition?
A: Yes, I learned about receiving on the tongue, and kneeling for Communion, the more I was researching. I also found about the Tridentine Mass at the time. I taught Confirmation for a year and got thrown out for being “too Catholic” I later found St. Thérèse Catholic Parish which had the TLM.

18. So you went to the TLM?
A: Yes, and was lost the first 2 times I went. I enjoyed the reverence. I wanted to serve on the altar. So I started to learn. The 3rd time I got it. I also had the chance to meet with Fr. Bishop CMF who offers the TLM. It’s been great for me as far as I’m concerned. Deo Gratias for Pope Benedict XVI

19. And about this blog?
A: Well, I had been blogging at a few different places before. The change in tone from the blogs can be really be reflected if you look closely at the writings that I’ve assembled from the time of my first blog to this blog that I now have. I’m quite less bitter than I used to be. (Though I have my moments)

20: So, why the Q and A for the Conversion story?
A: Because I thought it’d be a little bit different than writing a whole story out, which I didn’t want to do, since I’m writing my thesis on Sacrifice. 🙂

21. So, what converted you from a liberal to a conservative.
A: Laughing at the title of Ann Coulter’s books was not the reason for my conversion, but rather common sense, and the reversion to my Faith brought me to the right.

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