Posted by: Joe of St. Thérèse | February 9, 2009

Struggles

Normally I keep all these thoughts to myself, but I figure I hardly do enough of these, and none of what I’m going to say is detailed enough to keep to the private audience of God and myself and it’s not too personal where I’ll get embarrassed, so I’ll mention this.

One of my greatest gifts that I’ve been given by God is my ability to remember things. I have the ability to remember lectures word for word from 7 years ago. I’m able to remember events in my life to the finest detail or even the strangest and most ridiculous facts.

For example, I can tell you that LASER is actually an acronym for Light Amplification by Stimulated Emission of Radiation. (Okay, so I’ve taught physics for a long time and am able to know that from memory, shoot me, lol)

Yet it’s this very thing that I struggle with. I do not intentionally hold grudges against people, it just so happens I remember every little detail when it comes to everything. Although I’m often accused off such a thing because people will see the look in my eyes towards someone, or will immediately run the opposite direction because they see me walking. Forgive me for knowing things that have happened to me, what am I supposed to do be ignorant to the things that have happened?

I try as a person to apply the principles of Confession to real life (I’m no where near successful as I want to be). So what does that mean?

  • I do not use the events of the past to judge against you. Your past is your past. What sins you committed in the past are not counted against you if you make a mistake again. Every action is judged upon its individual merits and not on the basis of say a past action. For example if person x cheated on a person. I do not use that against person x if I chose to go out with that person. I don’t think that it’s right to use some one’s past against them, especially if I didn’t know the person then. Like how our past sins aren’t used against us, the same for me.
  • Once you’ve payed the penalty it’s gone. Even though I remember every detail (unlike God who is infinite and has that ability, I being finite do not) I do not bring up the past again once the penalty has been paid. It makes no sense.
  • Both contrition and attrition work for my forgiveness. You can either be truly sorry and want to repent sincerely, or just for the fear of the fact that I’m a part time nuclear physicist and know 100’s of ways to evaporate your body from the planet (and that’s NOT a joke). Either one works both lead to repentance, one just takes a bit more time.

Yet, you know something, I’m glad that God does NOT have that memory of our sins and that he instantaneously transforms is in His grace after Confession, otherwise I’m totally screwed with some of my life mistakes. (And believe me, there are a ton, not going to be mentioned on this blog)

I know that it’s impossible for a human to forget things (they merely go to the back of the mind) (and I’m talking in terms of ordinary circumstances)…but it’d be nice to not have to struggle with many events and the fine details of them…This humble servant can use YOUR prayers.

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