Posted by: Joe of St. Thérèse | September 18, 2009

"The girl in the white veil"

Hopefully what I’m about to talk about will make some sort of sense. I’m trying to convey into words the thoughts that are running through my head at this hour of the day….I think this is the first time where I’ve actually tried to convey some inner things.

a. What makes this different?

Rarely do you find in combination things that I’m passionate about all in one person. How many people can you teach Latin too, make a ton of math jokes, buy a mantilla for (and she won’t go into shock), go to a TLM, have a liturgical discussion about how much I despise guitars and have her not only not freak out, but engage in the discussion as well? (And not be married)…The number is few and far between…hence the attempt to keep “the girl with the white veil” (read This vale of tears in part c to find out more) at a somewhat close distance…Yet she shows up at the time I’m about ready to leave for the great state of Montana….I don’t even want to say it’s “odd” but the source of her appearance is yet to be determined.

b. The component of fear.

Yet this fear isn’t for what you might think. If you’re thinking the fear is going to Montana, that’s not where the fear in lies. The fear isn’t that she could be the “one” and I’d miss out…but rather the fear is more less a matter of wills between mine and God’s. My will consisting of wanting to serve Holy Church and attempting to do God’s will and being open to whatever vocation He wishes to call me to…as well as getting to know “the girl with the white veil”…while God’s will is…mysterious…more than likely an understatement….So the battle between wills is like a glorified game of tug-o-war and I actually feel it in my head going on….twas hoping for SD today but he’s been busy…so I’ll have to live with these jumbled thoughts for another few days…

c. The whole fear of rejection issue.

Let’s just say there’s more than one demon that haunts me in this regard….which is why the dream from the other day…especially part b was semi-important. Perhaps why my lack of self- confidence in anything not named math, physics, philosophy, theology, liturgy and Catholicism is proportionate to the fact that I was knocked down at the lowest point in my life when my emotions were clouding everything from attitude to schoolwork to life in general. Perhaps closure for the situation in part b is a necessity to be able to lift the daggers from my heart. The fact that I don’t let anyone really super close to me is in fact proportionate to the ex best friend not being there for me. Even on this blog, there are much details I hide behind closed doors far more than anyone realizes. I did indeed tell myself that I would NEVER let ANYONE get as close to me as my ex-best friend, she had insight into me that NO ONE has ever had, (or will attain)…There’s a particular friend of mine who complains that I don’t let anyone in my circle…(not that I care about his complaints)…however who I chose to be open with or NOT open with is my prerogative and no one else’s…I let people get to know parts of the whole, but never the whole, and it’s completely purposeful. God knows me completely, that’s it…Now…will there be a person I open myself completely to other than God…no…why?…because the human intellect is finite, and God’s intellect well in short…isn’t.

d. Love of incandescence

My favorite physics word is incandescent. An incandescent body is such a body that glows via temperature…similar to how infa-red cameras work…I like to use that word because it is in a way transcendent towards the soul. That is to say the person herself is not the source of the incandescence. Truly it is God providing the light….So when I say “the girl in the white veil” shines incandescently well, it is God providing that source of thermal energy transfer (aka heat)…

e. It’d be nice if….

My will and God’s matched for once as I’ve said it’s a physical tug-0-war between wills and some days I really feel the pull of the various wills. I pray for the patience to follow God’s will instead of mine…

I can only say there are tons of forces working on me…if this blog makes no sense…don’t worry, it didn’t make much sense to the person blogging it either…Prayers requested

I’m not going to allow comments on this entry, though all correspondence on this post can be done via my e-mail which is on my profile 🙂

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