Posted by: Joe of St. Thérèse | February 6, 2010

New reflections on old thoughts

a. What do you do when the weight of the world is on your shoulders? Try to get rid of it of course. Certainly it’s easier if someone else carries the load for you…Even Jesus himself had help in St Simeon.

Imagine going through a world where your own mother deteriorates right before your very eyes. One day she walks, the next day she doesn’t, the next she’s in the hospital, the next she’s on her deathbed. The next she’s dead.

Now throw yourself in high school, 16 years old a year away from graduation, and going through this. Let’s face it, being that young, you don’t really have idea of what to do, where to go. (Bear in mind catechesis on the Catholic faith was bare minimum at that and dad wasn’t Catholic or anything like that).

Truth be told, I kept my suffering to myself and I didn’t make mention of it in public at the time. I didn’t want anyone to know of my suffering or what I was going though. I closed the world to everyone at the time. And by everyone I mean everyone but the person I considered my best friend.

This person that happened to be my best friend was indeed at the time a very special person. The wavelengths of the relationship was beyond astounding. We were able to finish each other’s thought’s, nor did we always have to say anything to be expressive of thoughts. It was a friendship that was very tight, and I held dearly to my heart. Upon later reflection would I come to find out that she was God’s presence to me during my time of sorrow. Some days I would just be in her presence and it would be absolute peace. It’s as if my sufferings stood still outside of time and I was able to let go and be free. When I first met her, I didn’t see anything but platonic relationship. It wasn’t my goal to get to know her then proceed to ask her out, I had no intentions on doing such. When her and I met, both of us were sick with something like the cold. Eventually time passed and we started to open up to one another and become friends. Becoming friends with me is perhaps the hardest thing to do on the planet (well, next to my algebra tests). It was one day, my eyes were opened to her, it was date of Academic Decathlon (I was a total nerd back in the day). She beamed a smile towards me, we were walking at Gladstone HS (opposite directions) I will never forget what that smile looked like, (and wearing my favorite colour always helps). The incandescence in her eyes I will never forget, it’s beyond word description. That’s the day not when I began to like her, but when I started to think possibilities. It was that next month that I fell for her. I remember it like it was yesterday, we were in lecture hall at a smaller type of competition, I was sitting on the left side, and she was of course next to me, I proceeded to get comfortable stretching out my legs, she then proceeded to nudge me, to which I then lightly nudged her back and looked into her eyes, and that is when I fell for her.

So bear in mind in the background of this is my mom’s battle with cancer. I had many things on my mind, and again, being in her presence (the then best friend) while my sufferings were “gone” they got more difficult to suppress. On many days I felt like crying on her shoulders because of all that I was going through. Of course I have a bit of pride issues and don’t cry in public, period. Though there were internal tears on many of my walks with her. So adding up pressure, we have mom’s cancer battle and now to make matters just a tad bit worse, I fell for my best friend at the time. I had the opportunity to tell her my thoughts that day at the lesser competition. I of course being nervous wreck with what I had to say, did not tell her a thing that day, I just let things go quietly.

Day after day went by without me saying anything. I was also going through the process for Confirmation at the time. My Confirmation would be the last event my mom would see of me. We were supposed to write prayers. One of them was in thanksgiving for her (I didn’t end up publishing it, I think it’s somewhere in the house I’d have to look for it) I let things build up very slowly. Me being me of course I kept precise tract of what was happening. I’m guessing it was fairly obvious to the entire 2400 students at my high school that I liked this girl. I was always walking after school with her, and I wrote poetry (yes, I’ve kept it and no, I will not share it with you). Yet I didn’t open my mouth that I liked her until a couple of months afterwards in April. From then it was my mission to win her heart. (I don’t like losing fyi). I was therefore planning a ton of things in private using connections that I had. I was going to take said best friend to classical music concert and do a few other things that were on my mind. Strangely enough this was not like a lustful relationship that I desired with her, I never saw her in that light. All thoughts of her were beyond innocent.

I implicitly put much pressure upon this said best friend without realizing it. She was my confidant, my friend, the girl i liked, bearing my sufferings and being God’s presence to me all at the same time. Much of this was building on me. All this pressure in combination with knowing my mom was very close to her death made me speechless for nearly a week. I could barely manage the courage to talk to anyone, let alone my best friend at the time. I thus started a letter exchange with her. It was the only way I could communicate my thoughts. It’s not that I didn’t have the ability to speak, it was just all that happened, I was just in shock. Eventually I poured out my heart into my last letter that I gave to her. I just let EVERYTHING go my heart, my soul, my all into that letter as I expressed my thoughts towards her and other things that were going on in my mind.

I’m sure that she took that as wow, a bit too much to handle, but I saw no other way to do so at the time. It just destroyed me when the words that greeted me on her return letter were “I hate you and you’re annoying.” (I don’t remember the substance of the rest of the letter because I was too busy crying my way through it…though I do remember an I’m not stupid, and I hope you’re okay). I had another friend give her the letter that I wrote not because I couldn’t do it myself, but rather because I was completely embarrassed. Not in the sense that it’s like shameful, but, I just wanted that burden to go away. Needless to say that it didn’t. I just wanted to hide in my corner and not be bothered. I said what I needed to say.

3 days later my mom died, needless to say I didn’t even begin to grieve over the heartbreak that happened. (Sorry, Mom takes precedence). Truth be told, I didn’t even begin to start recovering from her (the ex best friend) until about a YEAR AND A HALF later. I was in shock, I thought in part of my heart that she felt the same way that I did. (needless tos ay that part was wrong). I turned into an anti-social robot at the time of my mom’s death. Truth be told there was only one person I wanted to hear from, (said ex best friend),. I’m spiritually drowning, and she didn’t even offer a boat or something to help. That struck to my core (as if I wasn’t already broken enough). Yes, I was mean in many respects, I didn’t have her sign my yearbook at the end of my Sr year, that was because I wasn’t going to forget her no matter how hard I tried, and I was still angry with her.

It’s more than likely she had zero clue what to do with me. I mean imagine at 14 being given all these burdens (her age). I’m sure that she went into shock or something like that learning everything that was on my mind. Perhaps that is why; she had no idea what to do. But perhaps I trusted her a bit too much. (Needless to say NO ONE’s gotten that close to me again)….it was an awkward ending to a beautiful friendship. Did I fail to mention how much I hate awkward endings? Well, I hate them and perhaps this is why it drives me crazy to this day. I’ve thought, sought and hoped for reconciliation, but nothing has ever happened with those thoughts. We run past each other as if we were never friends or anything. It drives me nuts to see her in this matter. (Don’t tell me just don’t sorry, I don’t work like that…in case you don’t know, I have a crazy memory that’s pretty good). Not to mention she began dating some guy, who well…I won’t say I have enough sins on this blog post anyway. I’m only going to say this ain’t the first time he’s done this to me. Is it because I’m jealous? No, it’s because he had the audacity to ask me about her in a time when I was still grieving over my mother and took my sarcasm as an endorsement to go after her. I have very conflicting thoughts with her: part of me wants her to be happy and successful, part of me wants her on a one way trip to the sun on the nose of the shuttle without any protective suit on, part of me wants her to be a nun, part of me wants her to suffer immensely for what she did to me, and part of me is eh, well, let’s not talk about that part….and no, I’m not trying to suppress that I still have feelings for her, let me make this clear I DO NOT…you may claim that I do, you’d be wrong. I just remember it all for the proximity of when it happened.

I one day hope to seek closure to this situation…but in the meantime since I know she doesn’t read this pathetic excuse for a blog…I’ll write an open letter to her.

Dear (you know who you are insert your name here)

It’s been 7.5 years 11 days since “the event.” I’m sure you’ve been able to sleep well and be able to function knowing what you’ve done to me. If you think I’ve forgotten, rest assured I haven’t. I remember things like they were yesterday. You may think I have moved on and just forgotten your existence, again, rest assured I haven’t. In spite of what you may have been told by some people, I do not just remember this one event, I do remember the good times too, it’s just that they’re overshadowed by this one event. No person is without making mistakes. _____, it was wrong of me to put so much pressure on you and expect you to be everything. There’s only so much weight you can carry on your shoulders. I apologize sincerely for doing this to you, I did not know any other way to lighten my load at the time. _______ it was wrong of me to wish ill upon you behind your back, it would have been wrong in front of you too. I hope that you’re able to forgive my wrongs and my faults for doing such to you. In no way would I want anything bad to happen to you in real life. It would bring me to tears if something ever happened to you. ________, any time that I overstepped my boundaries, I again apologize for. In humble contrition I hope that you’re able to forgive me for all my wrongs I’ve done to you. _______, for any times I’ve attempted to make you jealous (and rest assured, there have been several times) I again apologize for this.

I say this for the record, I don’t hate you. I objectively hate your action that you did towards me, but this has no change on my opinion of you, and in a way I’m quite happy for you and what you’ve been able to accomplish. I’m proud of you. _____, fact of the matter is I’ve never stopped caring for you as friend of mine. I’ve tried very hard (and successfully) to suppress these feelings towards you of friendship. No longer will I suppress them.

You may ask, what took me so long to tell you this? Well, in short, it’s pretty difficult with how things ended between us as friends to even approach you. Combine that with the pain of what happened and a few other factors and you get why. But I have to say these things for my own sanity. I’ve been carrying these things on my heart for far too long and I don’t think anything’s going to be normal for me ever again. Truth be told every time that I see you I don’t see the person I considered to be my best friend at the time. I see someone different. I have a hard time believing the person who wrote “Joe, I’m sorry for your loss As your friend if you need someone to talk to, I will be there to listen, I hope that you’re okay, I’ll be praying for you.” Is the same person who wrote “I hate you, you’re annoying….I hope you’re okay” I want to be able to see you for the good, not the bad thing. In an ideal world things would go back to the way they once were, but that’s not possible (not with my memory, anyway, I just don’t forget these things). It is my hope that we’re able to forgive one another for the wrongs that we’ve done to each other, what comes of it after that I don’t know, let God decide that.

I’m sure that you’ve wanted to say things or tell me things, but you’ve been scared or in some way feel that you can’t approach me about things. All of it justified, but rest assured I will not attempt to take your head off (figuratively) whenever I speak to you. I do not seek to destroy those I’ve let in. You may always approach me or call or bother me at my office (I’ll leave it to you to figure out where my office is). Unfortunately, I’ve had battles with Fr. Tony on certain issues which also had lead to my disappearance in that regard from St Lorenzo. It has nothing to do with our relationship in my disappearance. Though for Lent, I’ll be offering up my personal Liturgical preferences to show up).

______, again I wish to apologize for my behaviour in the past, and hope that things can become somewhat normal without animosity between us. This is something I’ve been constantly praying about in hopes I’m able to lift this burden from shoulders and the dagger that’s been in my heart. Yet I do not wish to leave you on those words, I’ll leave on these: A thousand sorrowful tears I may cry, but the one joyful tear that waits to cry waits for the tissue to hold it.

Pax Vobis

My real name MI

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